Posted in Journal, Recovery, Spirituality, Writing

The Image

I’m kind of embarrassed to talk about this, but I feel so ugly as far as physical features. I know it’s not the most masculine thing to talk about, but it is a component to the addiction issue in my life. I feel ugly, then I feel the need to feel wanted. That leads to me being a male whore. That leads to me feeling convicted for compromising my morals, because I dare not have sex because it is the forbidden act that God will strike you dead over (being facetious). So, I have to drown all that sorrow in substance. Well, you get the picture. It’s crazy how I haven’t been having self esteem issues lately, and yesterday I told myself how peaceful I was and how it couldn’t be taken. Yet, today as I drove from court to get that DUS off of my butt, I look in the mirror to make sure I look at least a little presentable and all I hear in my head is Shug Avery from The Color Purple saying “You sho is ugly!!” Then, I commence to thinking about this fat I gained while in rehab, so my body is all nasty looking. Well, to me it is. Some people would probably kill to be my size. Nevertheless, I feel like a skinny, fat burnt piece of booty. I don’t know how to get over it. Help me! This has bothered me all of my life. They say us addicts have low self esteem, and my physical appearance is a low point for me. I’m man enough to admit it. That’s why I’ll sleep with anyone who pays me any attention, because I feel like “Oh wow! You want little, ugly me??!! Well I’m gonna make it worth your while.” Then, I’ve become a pro in the sack, and then that’s all I’m used for is sex. A Male THOT. A freaking gigolo. Then I’m hung out to dry like a wet rag. Smh.. Dang, I didn’t mean to be this vulnerable. I’m almost ready to delete this blog and not publish it. Let me end right here and publish before I change my mind. Please forgive any typos or grammatical errors. I’m not proofreading because I want to keep this as raw as possible. I reiterate, I am so skeptical about posting this. But here goes. Thanks for letting me share.

Posted in Poetry, Recovery, Spirituality, Writing


I'm tired of having nothing
When I know that I am something
Can't depend on myself
So now it's God I'm trusting

I'm tired of straddling the fence
Always on the defense
Insult my intelligence 
That I don't have common sense

Not to get with that trick
Not to get that syringe 
Not to walk on the edge
Not to go on a binge

But what can it be?
Oh! It's called INSANITY
I love the genius is possess
But I'm not a fan of me

Jesus paid the price
For my life, for my strife
Blessings right before me
But I continue to gripe

Now I listen to the lessons
Of my own gripe sessions
Discover what I'm missing
Try to stop blocking blessings

Give me a pencil, I'm testing
Multiple choice is my preference 
Don't know the answer to the question
So I guess I'll be guessing

No more gambling or betting
No more smoked out sessions
Main Entrance To Hell
LORD, I don't want those directions

Please don't take it away
I need it, I'm needy
Let me be humble about it
I tend to get greedy

It's ministry, the chemistry 
God, between You and me
Imagine me, the imagery
But it's no good if I'm not serving

It's all about You
The Cornerstone of Life
Head of the Household
Before any husband or wife

The words you give me
Let me be your vessel of penmanship 
The scribe of these ages
Show the world the human kinship 

I can't do it without you
You're my ever present help
I look to the hills
Your beauty takes away every breath

Fear of pride from inside
But with You all is well
When the world bids for this gift
Posted in Journal, Recovery, Spirituality, Writing

Because I’m Happy

Today I found out what unspeakable joy means. Unspeakable joy is when you go to the doctor and they give you a run down of your current state and you say to yourself “D*man, your life sucks” and laugh about it. It’s something only God can give. I know if I can smile through all of this, when I rise even higher I’ll be untouchable and my goal is to help as many people as possible achieve that level of peace. It’s a beautiful thing. That’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.

Posted in Journal, Recovery, Spirituality, Writing

The Interview

So, I had my job interview today and I think it went well. It’s a new venture, and hopefully they’ll choose me. It’s in hospitality which is a whole new field for me. I hope made a good impression. I feel like I was likeable. Only tomorrow will tell. I also had a crazy spell come on me and I went on Facebook live singing Rihanna “Diamonds” like a maniac. It was comic relief in my eyes, because things seem so serious regarding me and rehab and all that serious stuff. I just took a chance to be my normal silly self, and dropped the mic and ended the live sensation of my boisterous singing. That’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.

Posted in Journal, Recovery, Spirituality, Writing

So Sleepy

Why am I so sleepy?!??! I guess it’s because of that daylight savings time we had last week. My sleep mode is all off balance. I laid down for a nap around 3pm and it’s after 10pm! What in the world??!! Boy. I guess I’ll try to go back to sleep after I do some prayer and meditation. I needed the sleep though because when I’m sleepy my mind gets to racing and I start acting like a little emotional basketcase. I wonder why is it that I get all in my feelings when I’m sleepy. I guess a lot of people do and that’s why they act all stupid and mean in the morning. Well, I’m wired different. I’ll start acting all stupid and mean in the middle of the day when I’m sleepy. I think I’m due for some sleep, given I’ve been wide open for the past three years if you know what I mean. I used to joke in rehab that I slept so much because I’d been up for the past ten years. Why did God preserve me? I don’t look anything like what I’ve been through. Trying not to sound like vanity, but he’s in the business of restoring. I’m a good 37. Lol. Thank you Jesus. That’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.

Posted in Journal, Recovery, Spirituality, Writing

St. Patrick’s Day 2019

That’s my dog niece LuLu. Today was pretty good. I finally made it to a meeting. I haven’t been to one all week. I have too much pride than to ask for a ride everywhere. I got to spend time with the family. All is well. It’s been a while since I’ve been around immediate family sober, and it felt good. Most importantly for me, there are no regrets. What was done in the past is the past. I got to see my nephew, well the ladies in my family, put together is invitations for his graduation. I don’t know how those graduation people are still making money off those cards. I guess it’s just tradition, because nowadays you can slap that sucker up on Facebook and it would be just as effective. Anyway, I’m proud of him. God is good. Nothing short of amazing. Well, that’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.

Posted in Journal, Recovery, Spirituality, Writing

Door Opens

I don’t know what happened to me today. I was just completely tired and the only reason I’m waking up now is so that I can write this blog, and I’m going back to sleep. I had my interview today and I go in for another interview Monday which may seal the deal for this job. I hope they give me another full week before starting because I’m actually busy next week with “Justin” maintenance. Not self indulgent maintenance, but doctor’s visit and court for the ticket I got for my license being suspended. The anxiety is starting to try to kick in because I’m worried about transportation to and from work. I’ve never been without a car in my life and I wish I could just get mine fixed. Let me give that to God, because I get discouraged when I think about it. I have to stop setting myself up for failure with each win. I can’t be so pessimistic . I have to exercise faith. He’ll provide as usual. That visual is a picture on my wall as I lie here in bed. I’m going back to sleep. That’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.

Posted in Journal, Recovery, Spirituality, Writing


Temptation comes hard and strong. It gives me an anxiety that I’m sure others have felt before, but I don’t know how to explain it. I want to act out on the temptation, but I must prove my integrity to myself. I’m skeptical about even writing this. I don’t want the fact that I’ve been tempted to looks like weakness when it’s a vehicle to prove how strong I really am. Let me rephrase that, I want the glory of God to be revealed in my resisting temptation. I’ve proved to myself that I can’t do this with my own will. I actually had to get down on my knees and ask God to remove this desire, because left to my own vices I would give in at any second. I would set up an avenue to take so that I can give into the temptation. I didn’t call my mentor. I didn’t reach out to anyone. I’m just vocalizing it here so that I can get my thought process together. I wonder if I’m crazy. The reason I don’t want to say “Hey, I’m being tempted” is because I’ll have this shield of great people come around me and tell me “Hey, don’t do this! Don’t mess up everything you’re working hard for.” Somehow, that projects in my mind as someone telling me what to do, and my defiance doesn’t allow that. Once someone tells me not to do something I’m ready ten times more to do it. I don’t know why that is. I guess it’s because I’ve always listened to everyone telling me what I should do and I struggle with it. I now tell everyone do not tell me what to do rather than suggest it. It’s only certain people I’ll listen to in regards to recovery, and it’s because they have been there. Well, there’s only one person I listen to and that’s my mentor. I need to work on my Step Six. Yes, I’m still working on it even though I haven’t put the pen to pad in recent days. I need to communicate more. That’s a big thing for me. Effective communication is huge. I shut down when communication isn’t effective. It takes a certain kind of intimacy to effectively communicate with me. I don’t know how I got from temptation to effective communication, but it is what it is. Also, have you ever saw the bigger picture for yourself, but no one else sees it? Nevermind. That’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.

Posted in Journal, Recovery, Spirituality, Writing

Appointed Disappointment

So, the position I was applying for got snatched by someone else. I had the natural reaction of being disaappointed, but I’m grateful I have enough sense to bring myself out of the pity party I would usually put myself in. Usually, I would look at myself as less than, and that I would beat myself up telling myself I’m a worthless piece of turd that needs to be flushed down the toilet. Thank God for renewing my mind. I now looked at the situation as it was not God’s will for me to be in that position, and that He has other plans for me. That brought me out of that slump before I even got into the slump. It’s crazy how I thought so horrible of myself at one time. I hope I never get to the place again. It’s appointed disappointment. If I didn’t receive what I thought was good, how much more will I receive that is better than what I wanted to receive. In other words, I believe that I didn’t get into that position because God has something better for me. I just can’t wait to see what it is, and I wish He would hurry up. However, let His will be done. If He wants me to wait to grow my patience, so be it. I just feel like I can say “I wish you would hurry up God” out load and on this blog because I’m already saying it in my heart. I don’t want Him to rush things because of my impatience though because He’ll give me what I want and it may end up being a mess and I’ll have to learn this whole patience thing in another circumstance I don’t wish to go through. On another note, it’s crazy how I don’t feel like writing these blogs. Half the time I don’t know what I’m going to talk about. Nevertheless, I end up with substance. Once I’m writing I gain all of these epiphanies. I’m also writing in a little journal about these thoughts that come to my head. It’s pretty evident I have a prophetic gift, but I’m feel like I’m almost scared of it. I feel like if I say some of the things I see in my mind I’ll be looked at strange. That’s why I’m writing them down. Let me stop with this. That’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.

Posted in Journal, Recovery, Spirituality, Writing


I’m speechless right now. Not that I’m in some kind of crisis, but I actually don’t have anything to talk about. I feel really content and hopeful at the moment, and sometimes that gets weird. I’m so used to some mess going on and having me all on edge that this phase in my life is new. I don’t know how to handle being at peace. So this is the peace that surpasses all understanding! Thank you God. Please don’t let me mess up my own peace by letting thoughts pervade my mind by my own doing. So, I have to spend time with my higher power to maintain that peace. I can’t do it on my own, because left to my own will my mind will tell me that there’s something to be anxious and worried about. However, I know that I am to be anxious about nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication I must let my requests be known unto God. There you have it. I’m getting it. I was on Facebook earlier and one of the guys I went to rehab with was describing how he’s relapsed and is in a bad spot. I’m glad I don’t have my car at the moment because I would try to go rescue him. I wanted to comment, but I’ll just pray for him. I pray that he realizes that each time he goes out that it’s going to get worse and worse and that he’ll come back to his senses quick. I pray that God has mercy on him and keep him safe and alive and leads him back to the cross. That’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.

Posted in Journal, Recovery, Spirituality, Writing


I started this new venture today. It came as an idea last Thursday. I think the visuals I have created are pretty cool, so I got the idea that maybe I should design some clothing. Well, I did it. I prayed about it and it was confirmed. I don’t know if it will be profitable, but I’m excited about it. I want the products to be inspirational and to have mystery messages in them. I don’t know where I come up with these concepts, but I want to make sure they are God driven. Anyway, I was taking too much time starting up and developing the website and it was like God said “Hey! Chill out. Don’t exalt this little thing over me.” So, I had to put it down for the time being and meditate. I don’t want to end up trying to do too much. I have pretty good prospects on a good position that fell into my lap. I hope all goes well, but even if it doesn’t fall through I’ll praise Him. I’m in a good spot I feel. I have to stay focused on recovery too and not forget I’m not vulnerable to mess. How do I find the balance. I almost didn’t even write on this blog tonight because I feel like I have been doing a lot with the online store. I’m getting my feet wet with a lot of things. Ever since I’ve left rehab I’ve been a poet, journalist, photographer, producer, musician, and now designer. That is crazy! I haven’t made and money yet. However, that’s okay. I used to tell the guys in rehab I’m trying to build an empire once I get out of here and it seems like I’m in the beginning stages. I hope God blesses it and shows me favor. I know He will. I’m Mr.Justin1911 on Facebook and Justified1911 on Instagram if anyone bothers reading about my journey in recovery. That’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.

Posted in Journal, Recovery, Spirituality, Writing


Dear younger me,

I almost cry when I see the innocence in your eyes. All the life in that little vesel. I can see the curiosuity in your eyes of what life has to offer. I still remember when you took that picture. This is a little too much information, but you had just taken a mean shadooby (#2) and you just needed to sit down for a second and daddy came in and surprised you and snapped that picture. You was on the brown couch with this huge 1980s wicker fans hanging on the wall, and that awful red carpet. It was a Sunday. You’re favorite dog out of all the ones you’ll ever have, T.C., was still alive and you were playing with him before you were rudely interrupted by your bowels. I wish I was there with you right now to, so that I could stop the molestation that you thought was normal. Yeah, I have to expose the secret that you told your cousin you’d never tell. I’m sorry. It’s for the best now, because that secret has brought all kind drama in your life. It’s okay though. I’m going to straighten it out for you with God’s help. I’m glad after more than thirty years I’ve never forgotten you. I’ve somehow kept you guarded. I’ve held on to you, and I’ve taken the beating from life but I protected the love you have. I don’t know where it comes from, but you don’t have the ability to hate. I thank you for that because you passed that along to me. Such a pure heart. Oh yea, you remember that friend you made in the backseat of that grey Oldmobile your parents drove? That friend named Jesus? Well, turns out he’s the best friend you could have ever made. He’s been by your side all these years. It amazes me that at such a young age you secured such a profound relationship. You’ve always trusted in Him. You’ve lived a blessed life. So much that you actually wanted to experience some perils. You actually asked for the perils just to see how good of a friend Jesus was, is and will be. Well, I’ll tell you one thing he has proved himself. In fact, He’s the one who has guarded your heart. I think he’s the reason you’ll never know what it is to truly hate because you have this uncanny ability to love everyone from the depth of your soul. I’ll tell you it hurts sometimes to love so hard, because the world is full of hateful, mean people. Sorry, I messed up and tried to teach you how to numb the sadness and only made things worse. But Jesus. Well, if i had to do it all again I wouldn’t change a thing. I hope you’re proud of me. I’ve remembered you all of these years and you still live in me. I am you are me. Love you buddy.


Older You

Posted in Poetry, Recovery, Spirituality, Writing


As the darkness pervades
There's the glimmering light of hope
Lord bless this wicked man
As he ties my neck with this rope

It kind of hurts
When I do better and it gets worse
I have to continue to trap my thoughts
The wicked thought is the first

Smite this man with a curse
Good petitions rehearsed
I'm far from perfect
Third chapter Peter 9 is the verse

No repaying evil for evil
Two wrongs don't make a right
I must be the sun in the day
I must be the stars in the night

So in essence, command the presence
To give light to life's lessons
Forgive me, my trespasses
Trying to move forward, no more regressing

When you struggle and strive
Don't let the fruit commence to pride
Remember the tears you cried
You know how others feel inside

Nowhere to turn
Nowhere to hide
You didn't try hard enough
But you tried

All good things must come to an end
Except that place they call heaven
The realm where stars exist
Beams of light in the darkness

Posted in Journal, Recovery, Spirituality, Writing

Something Wicked This Way Comes

I don’t know what’s going on in the world, or at least in America. There’s like a sense of urgency and confusion throughout the atmosphere. It feels like a thousand smoke screens. I’m tired of the black man witch hunts going on. First we keep hearing about R. Kelly and his shenanigans, and it’s like they’re out to ruin his legacy. I’m not excusing what he’s done, but isn’t that Hollywood? It’s not like he’s the first guy with proclivities. They’re going hard on him, but they don’t go hard on other moguls in Hollywood who do the same thing. It’s like you’ll hear a story about one of the other famous perverts and it dies down quickly, but if they’re black it’s a long drawn out vilifying scenario. I’m just speaking facts. Then, you have Jussie Smollett. I personally like the kid, and a lot of it has to do with his name is Justin 😉. Anyhow, people mess up sometimes. We need to forgive. What’s being alleged of him is not villain worthy if you ask me. If he did it, yeah that was a messed up move, but didn’t Ryan Lochte, or however you spell his name, do the same thing? Didn’t that white lady who accused Emmitt Till lie, and got that boy killed? It’s a bad move. If he’s guilty, he just got caught in a lie. The sensationalism behind it all is more damaging than anything if it’s going to have some effect on hate crime protocol. People get arrested for false police reports every day. It’s not as severe as it’s being made out to be. People in Hollywood do strange things. Remember, all press is good press. Jussie will be alright though. I just think the coverage has gotten way out of hand. There are other things more at stake than that incident. Then, there’s Michael Jackson. I just find this hard to believe. Trying to sabotage his legacy is irritating in itself. It probably has to do with the fact that he owned the Beatles catalog and Sony is upset with that since I hear he owned half of Sony. Just like Bill Cosby trying to buy NBC and then his legacy gets tarnished. All of this is hearsay, but as American history has shown it seems a subliminal message is at stake which is black people stay in your lane or else. We can have some power, but not too much power or else the sabotage begins. We’re living in strange times. What is God trying to tell us? I know I pray for his mercy on the saints, because the nation will suffer consequences for injustices upon humanity. Do people think God is pleased with our fighting and debauchery? Pretty soon we’ll have EF6 tornadoes ravaging our country bigger than any we’ve ever seen. Then people will start crying out to God. It’s funny how disaster strikes and people are quick to say “How can God let something like this happen?” It’s called judgment. The earth is crying out because of sin. The blood of babies are contaminating our waters, and the blood of the innocent is crying out to God like Abel’s blood after he was murdered by Cain. I guess I have a heavy heart today. I hope I didn’t offend. Please forgive if I did, that is not my intention. Well, I’ve said enough. Thanks for letting me share.

Posted in Journal, Recovery, Spirituality, Writing

They that wait

Today was pretty eventful. I had to go to the DMV and get another license, because last night I found out that they were suspended. Last night, I ended up being pulled over for not turning my signal on. I would argue that I was in the lane specifically for left turns and that getting pulled over was pretty, but instead I’ll just put my signal on at every turn from now on. Anyhow, the cop came over and it felt good not to be paranoid or on the defense for once. My license were suspended due to me not turning in my tags. See, when I went to rehab my insurance expired, got cancelled and once the state knows your insurance is cancelled you have to turn in your tags. Since my car is messed up, there was no need to reinstate my insurance anyway. However, they sent a notice in January telling me that I need to resolve the issue or on February 25th my license would be suspended. Well, that’s what happened. I’m so happy I have peace because I would’ve lost my mind over the whole ordeal. Or used the whole ordeal as an excuse to go get lit. Well, I just went ahead and took care of business today and got my license back. It’s a $400 charge so I had to get on a payment plan. Now, I have to go to court on the 20th to show the officer I have my license back so that he’ll drop the $647 ticket he gave me. I’ll trust God. My reaction to the whole thing was what I’m most proud of, and the peace that surpasses all understanding was with me. It’s amazing how putting God first can change your life. I could’ve been in jail because people get arrested every day for driving under suspension. I wonder how many of them are unaware that their license is suspended just like I was. However, God’s grace and mercy is what sustained me. No doubt about it. I didn’t get upset, I didn’t get out of character. Also, my cousin from NY just happened to be down here and I was riding with her. So, she was able to take over the driver’s seat after the cop looked at her license. I still have to pay the rest of that $400 fine. God help me with that. Well, I’m ecstatic and I’m not complaining. It’s in the court of Jesus. Thanks for letting me share.

Posted in Journal, Recovery, Spirituality, Writing

Grape Kool-Aid

It’s the little things in life that makes the experience worth while. I just came to the conclusion that I love me some grape kool-aid. As minuscule as it sounds, this purple refreshing drink, when it has the correct amount of sugar applied, puts me in a place of content. When the tension is about to reach the point of no return all I have to do is think about grape Kool-Aid, and I realize most of the things that I feel I’m about to lose my mind about aren’t that serious. Don’t you hate it when other people infringe on your sanity telling about stuff you “should” be worried about? I shouldn’t have posed that as a question, because I hate when someone asks me a question expecting me to agree with them. In fact in the last two sentences I used the word “hate.” I’m trying to get that word out of my vocabulary, because I feel like Grouchy Smurf using the word hate. Grape Kool-Aid. I hope this makes sense. My mind goes off on tangents and I can only hope that it reads as cohesive as it is in my mind. Anyway, grape Kool-Aid. Try it sometime. Two packs and 2.5 cups of sugar makes a perfect gallon. That’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.

Posted in Poetry, Recovery, Spirituality, Writing


Never again will this moment in time exist
One second passed
It's the past
Try not to miss

From the time that we are born
We begin to die
Make the best out of it
Don't waste your life

Cherish every moment
Learn to laugh and love
This mortal body evanescent 
Start looking above

No time to regret
There's a method to the madness
Give your life to Jesus
That defines gladness

No worries, no troubles
No more distress
Ask me how I'm doing
I'll tell you "I'm very blessed"

But your life's in ruins
Oh, it's just a test
I'll make it through it
Watch God at His best

When it looks like you blew it
When it looks like you're done
That's the moment you look up
And call on God the Son

Receive His mercy and grace
Watch life start to begin
This too shall pass
Come to past, never again.

Posted in Journal, Recovery, Spirituality, Writing


I had the chance today to hang out with my older cousin. He’s around my parents’ age, but I went to help him move a couch. He’s a very spiritual guy. Not religious, but spiritual. Nobody has time for the Pharisees. Anyway, we talked and he told me he was “out there” with the spiritual thing, and I told him I am too. So, it was a comfortable situation where we could talk and not wonder if the other was thinking we were crazy. It felt awesome, because I can’t talk to everyone about spirituality. Most people claim to believe in God, but when it comes down to it they’re reluctant to believe in spiritual things. They can’t grasp the fact that words and thoughts manifest into the physical realm, but they begin in the spiritual realm. Therefore, it is important to be careful what you say and to guard your thoughts. How many times has the thing you feared the most come upon you? I know for me, everything I have feared has come upon me and it all began with my mindset. My thoughts. The good thing about that is now that I have made it through what I feared the most I am fearless. I’m the one that’ll take a risk, and the reason being is because I know God will bring me through anything and everything. He brought me through what I feared most, and it has led to unwavering faith. I won’t sit up here and say that I don’t get anxious, but that’s just natural because I’m impatient. I often used to wonder when I was in active addiction why my family would worry. In my mind I already had the mindset that God is going to bring me through this. It was just a test. I KNEW he was going to bring me through. I’m not saying I’m out of the water, but I know I’m not going out like that. You feel me? Nevertheless, I found it quite comforting that I could have a real conversation about spirituality with someone who walks the walk. It’s powerful stuff. Most people don’t know that life and death lies in the power of the tongue. They say it, but they don’t really believe it. So, if you’re depressed try saying “Die depression. Get away from me” and see what happens. Just saying. I’m preaching to myself also. MULTI MILLIONS OF DOLLARS COME TO ME NOW 😉. That’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.

Posted in Poetry, Recovery, Spirituality, Writing


I ain't tryna be high on dope
I ain't tryna be resting in peace
I ain't tryna be tribulation 
The mark of the beast

I ain't tryna be a hypocrite
I ain't tryna be self righteous 
I ain't tryna be in between
Either you hit or you miss

I ain't tryna be lukewarm
I ain't tryna be built on sand
I ain't tryna be choked by thorns
All the saints take a stand

I ain't tryna be off my focus
I ain't tryna be who I was
I ain't tryna be holding resentments
Swept under the rug

I ain't tryna be iniquity
I ain't tryna be soaked in sin
I ain't tryna be a fool to the Word
I'm tryna get to heaven

I'm tryna see the streets of gold
I'm tryna see Jesus's face
I'm tryna be sanctified 
I'm tryna be all in His grace

I'm tryna be prophecy
I'm tryna be the prodigal son
I'm tryna be victory
Through Him I've already won.
Posted in Journal, Recovery, Spirituality, Writing


The darkness the enemy uses to keep you from perceiving what is truth. You can’t cast out strongholds, you can only pull them down. It’s hard for me to recognize what strongholds are in my life. Some have been easy to recognize, others I’m still trying to identify. Strongholds are the things that cause arguments. Strongholds are the things offenses are made of. Strongholds skew your perception of things. For example, someone may get offended at someone’s tardiness and having to wait on them. Their perception may be that “They need to respect people’s time and not be late” when the truth of the matter is that person needs to practice patience. Does that make sense? That’s how I see it at least. Kind of like those dreadful defects. I’m still working Step 6. 3 a day, right? I’ll be honest, I’ve been slacking in doing 3 a day. However, progress not perfection. That’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.

Posted in Journal, Recovery, Spirituality, Writing

Sweet Melody

Don’t ask about the visual. I was trying to think of a concept for “I Could’ve Been” and that was one of the pictures. Anyhow, I came up with two different melodies today. That’s about all the excitement I had today. I need to start putting pen to paper again. This is going to be a short one, because I just woke up from dozing off by accident and now it’s after midnight. If I don’t get back to sleep soon I’ll be up until 5am. My sleep pattern is all jacked up. I need to read a little bit. Thanks for letting me share.

Posted in Poetry, Recovery, Spirituality, Writing


I could've been in the grave
I could've been down in hell
D.E.A. like roaches RAID
I could've been in jail

I could've been trafficking coke
I could've been distributing dope
I could've been on the corner
But Mercy said NO

I could've been shot in the head
I could've been left for dead
I could've been organized crime
About to do ten in the fed

I could've been doing about 90
Cruising down the street
I could've been DUI
Wrapped around a tree

I could've been a doctor or lawyer
If I applied myself
They call me hopeless now
Broken dreams on the shelf

I could've been a bird or a dog
I could've been orange or green
See, what I could've been
It don't mean nothing to me

I AM a child of God
I AM an heir to the throne
I AM saved by grace
Watch His mercies unfold

I AM the eagle that soars
I AM the lion hearted lamb
I AM forever grateful
Jesus is the great I AM
Posted in Journal, Recovery, Spirituality, Writing

Rain, rain, go away

No one except people I know probably get the whole “Son of Art” concept. Well, my daddy’s name is Art. I also have a creative bone that expresses itself artistically, and that makes me the son of art in a sense. It’s corny, but it’s also genius. Anyway, I wish it would stop raining already. It’s been like this for about two weeks it seem like. I went to church today. I didn’t go to the meeting I had intended on going to because it was so rainy and dreary all I wanted to do was eat and sleep. Thank God for that. Thank God I wasn’t outside at some gas pump in the rain, standing there for hours not knowing if I had pumped gas or not because I was so high. Yeah, it was like that sometimes. So LIT and looking stupid. I ain’t gotta live like that no mo. Tomorrow begins a new week. I’m waiting to see what God has in store. I hope it’s something. He guides me into my destiny and all these flowers bloom, and all these angels come down and give me a crown of pure gold and diamonds and let me know how proud He is that I’m sober. Just being facetious. No, it doesn’t work like that. I need to put another poem up here, but I haven’t received what the visual should be. I read today that poetry is typically the vehicle for prophetic oracles. That made me think and take my poetry more seriously. I have to write it on here like I did when I first wrote it down with pencil. I can’t be changing words to be more acceptable. After all, they’re not my words. I don’t write poetry. God HAD to have put that those words in my heart to write down. It’s crazy how it all started when I was just playing with one of my rehab bros, saying I was going to write 16 bars for my graduation speech. That turned out to really happen. It was a poem to me, but of course I’m black and have rhythm so I read the poem with a little beat in my head and it came out like a rap. I prophesied to rehab bro and it came to pass. Lol. Crazy. Well, that’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.

Posted in Journal, Recovery, Spirituality, Writing


I want to be free like the bald eagle I have tattooed on my arm. I want to be free of worries, free of time, free of desires, free of what I’m supposed to be, free from me. Well, if the Son has set me free, I am free indeed. So, I guess I am free of all the above. Look at me being dramatic. I went to a new meeting today. I think I liked that meeting a little more, because it wasn’t as ratchet and raw as the one’s I’m used to. There was a lot more experience in recovery in there. Not just depressed people glad about being clean for 90 days. They added substance to the conversation. They have been clean for like 15+ years. I don’t know why it’s hard for me to believe that someone can be clean that long. As soon as someone is like “I’ve been clean for blah blah years” I hate to admit it but my first thought is “Yea right.” Why am I like that? What character defect is that? I guess it’s my inability to trust all the way. Also, I may be like “Yea right” because I don’t want to worship them for being clean. I find that addicts seem to worship people with long clean time, and I’m just not that dude. I’m not worshipping anything but Jesus. It’s a commendable act, but I’m not into all the praise and worship of someone’s clean time. It’s what you’re supposed to do anyway. That’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.

Posted in Journal, Recovery, Spirituality, Writing


This is going to be a short one. Today was boring. Uneventful. I don’t mind it though. I’ve had enough action in my life in the past 3-4 years that I celebrate boredom. I didn’t do much devotion today. Mainly, just slept. I’m planning on going to a meeting in the morning. My mentor gave me a little push to go to other meetings and get out of my comfort zone. I guess it is good to meet new people. That’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.