Temptation

Temptation comes hard and strong. It gives me an anxiety that I’m sure others have felt before, but I don’t know how to explain it. I want to act out on the temptation, but I must prove my integrity to myself. I’m skeptical about even writing this. I don’t want the fact that I’ve been tempted to looks like weakness when it’s a vehicle to prove how strong I really am. Let me rephrase that, I want the glory of God to be revealed in my resisting temptation. I’ve proved to myself that I can’t do this with my own will. I actually had to get down on my knees and ask God to remove this desire, because left to my own vices I would give in at any second. I would set up an avenue to take so that I can give into the temptation. I didn’t call my mentor. I didn’t reach out to anyone. I’m just vocalizing it here so that I can get my thought process together. I wonder if I’m crazy. The reason I don’t want to say “Hey, I’m being tempted” is because I’ll have this shield of great people come around me and tell me “Hey, don’t do this! Don’t mess up everything you’re working hard for.” Somehow, that projects in my mind as someone telling me what to do, and my defiance doesn’t allow that. Once someone tells me not to do something I’m ready ten times more to do it. I don’t know why that is. I guess it’s because I’ve always listened to everyone telling me what I should do and I struggle with it. I now tell everyone do not tell me what to do rather than suggest it. It’s only certain people I’ll listen to in regards to recovery, and it’s because they have been there. Well, there’s only one person I listen to and that’s my mentor. I need to work on my Step Six. Yes, I’m still working on it even though I haven’t put the pen to pad in recent days. I need to communicate more. That’s a big thing for me. Effective communication is huge. I shut down when communication isn’t effective. It takes a certain kind of intimacy to effectively communicate with me. I don’t know how I got from temptation to effective communication, but it is what it is. Also, have you ever saw the bigger picture for yourself, but no one else sees it? Nevermind. That’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.