The Image

I’m kind of embarrassed to talk about this, but I feel so ugly as far as physical features. I know it’s not the most masculine thing to talk about, but it is a component to the addiction issue in my life. I feel ugly, then I feel the need to feel wanted. That leads to me being a male whore. That leads to me feeling convicted for compromising my morals, because I dare not have sex because it is the forbidden act that God will strike you dead over (being facetious). So, I have to drown all that sorrow in substance. Well, you get the picture. It’s crazy how I haven’t been having self esteem issues lately, and yesterday I told myself how peaceful I was and how it couldn’t be taken. Yet, today as I drove from court to get that DUS off of my butt, I look in the mirror to make sure I look at least a little presentable and all I hear in my head is Shug Avery from The Color Purple saying “You sho is ugly!!” Then, I commence to thinking about this fat I gained while in rehab, so my body is all nasty looking. Well, to me it is. Some people would probably kill to be my size. Nevertheless, I feel like a skinny, fat burnt piece of booty. I don’t know how to get over it. Help me! This has bothered me all of my life. They say us addicts have low self esteem, and my physical appearance is a low point for me. I’m man enough to admit it. That’s why I’ll sleep with anyone who pays me any attention, because I feel like “Oh wow! You want little, ugly me??!! Well I’m gonna make it worth your while.” Then, I’ve become a pro in the sack, and then that’s all I’m used for is sex. A Male THOT. A freaking gigolo. Then I’m hung out to dry like a wet rag. Smh.. Dang, I didn’t mean to be this vulnerable. I’m almost ready to delete this blog and not publish it. Let me end right here and publish before I change my mind. Please forgive any typos or grammatical errors. I’m not proofreading because I want to keep this as raw as possible. I reiterate, I am so skeptical about posting this. But here goes. Thanks for letting me share.