La Familia

I have an awesome family. I don’t think they understand the whole recovery process though. I’m pretty sure they don’t understand me. I’m the most simple, complex individual. There’s a lack of communication that goes on. I just had a talk with my mom and she had no idea of some of the stuff I went through to get me to the point of trying to numb life in general until this blog. I don’t really think my extended family knows either. They just know I’ve in and out of rehab for the past two years. I don’t know how to feel about it. It’s like everybody knows but I have yet to have a conversation with anyone about it. I’m so open to talk about my side, my experience, because if someone is getting a story and it’s not from me then it’s not the whole truth. That’s a perfect recipe for judgment. Or, should I even be worried about it? I don’t know. Part of me wants to wave my hands and shout, “Wait, you don’t know the whole story!” The other part of me says, “To hell with it. I don’t have to explain myself to anybody.” It is what it is. I just don’t want to have to go through the whole sympathy thing, or even the whole “we’re mad because you did drugs and are in recovery.” I don’t really think anyone knows how to treat the situation. So, it’s going to be awkward. Maybe I just need to distance myself. That’s all too much drama, and I like things that aren’t so complicated. I was thinking about who I need to make amends with and it’s really only a few people. I distanced myself from family when I was using because I didn’t want anyone to see me in the position it was in. So much more is expected out of me. It’s strange how the dynamics have shifted. My mom didn’t want to have anything to do with me when I was on one, but now she’s sees me sober and is like “Whew, my son is back” and I’m slowly getting in her good grace. Whereas, my daddy acts like he wants me to just leave recovery alone and stay away from the rehab facility, but he was my only supporter while I was there. God put me there for a reason, and he fails to understand that. I look to God for everything now, and I have my own relationship with him. It just frustrates me sometimes trying to please everybody. Nevertheless, that’s what I am. A people pleaser. All you have to do is get upset with me and I’ll buckle. Damn these character defects. I have to be done with people pleasing. Look where it’s gotten me. Right? I don’t know what or how my brother feels, because he acts so mean and hateful and frowns up everytime somebody says anything to him. Well, me at least. So, I avoid as much contact as possible, because I’m a little sensitive and I get butt hurt at his snarl. It’s see you when I see you with my sister and me. We’re pretty open and vocal with each other. I love my nieces and nephews and I regret missing out on their growth. That’s who I really need to make amends to. Two of them saved my life and they don’t even know it. I was in the darkest area I had ever been in my life and I was going to end it all, and the only reason I didn’t is because my niece and nephew who were living in Virginia at the time were coming down for the summer so I had to get out of myself and they breathed life back into me. Ever since then I have always trusted that God would bring me out of any situation once I passed that point. Even with me using, I’ve always known God would bring me through and that has always been my mindset. So, I would get startled when the family would stress out because they were thinking I was going to kill myself partying. My mindset was “I know it’s bad, but this too shall pass.” I always saw the light at the end of the tunnel, and I owe that to Obie and Leah. I’m just excited too see how God is going to work in my life. It’s not for anyone else either. I can’t keep explaining why I’m led to do some of the things that I’m choosing to do. I can’t let anyone else influence decisions that I’ve prayed about and meditated on, because they don’t get it. Sometimes it’s not for others to get what God’s will for your life is. I don’t have time to go down a wrong path based on someone else’s emotions. I went to Faith Home’s faith based recovery and you hear a lot about people who go out and relapse and die and I put things into perspective. I believe some people came there for rehab because it was God’s will for them to receive salvation because He knew that when they relapsed again they were going to die. It’s all about perspective. Anyway, I’m just rambling. This is my sharing portion of the day since I didn’t go to a meeting. Thanks for letting me share.