The Crucial Game of Recovery

The price that we pay to remain up in this recovery game. Is it a test? Like the game of chess? I just got the word that one of my buddies that I met in rehab died today. I’m grief stricken, but I’m at peace. I know that this kind of events is one of my triggers. I thank God that He has given me the ability to cope. Me and Gavin had private talks no one knew about. He described to me how he didn’t want to live life as an addict. We both dealt with situations where we were right there when someone died and we both had it in common how that PTSD had effected us. Man…he was only 28. So much more life to live. Such promising vocal skills and guitar skills. I remember he and I going together in the truck to get cigarettes and I must’ve talked his ear off. I just can’t believe it. However, this is a crucial game. Addiction is a crucial game. It’s sole intention is to take you out. I knew where the hurt was with him. We both had that moment where we felt responsible for someone losing their life. I’m getting ahead of this grief before it has a chance to even try to get me again. I’ve reached out. My folks are making sure that I’m alright. I’ve let people know that this is the kind of thing that triggers me. I have a good support system, and I have a strong relationship with my creator. I wonder why He created me this way? I have such a strong love for people and life. I hate that I’ll never get to see Gavin ever again. That’s the part about death that tears me to pieces. You never get to see that person ever again in this lifetime. Just thinking about that whole aspect of death makes my heart grieve. That’s why I’m learning coping skills, because it’s bound to happen. I’m bound to lose another friend in this battle. It’s the nature of the beast. I just have to grieve and cry and let it all out. It relieves something in my spirit to do that. Holding it in will lead me to trying to numb the pain. As I’ve stated over time and time again I’m very tender hearted. More than the average person I believe. I wrote down today in my journal that I am my brother’s keeper. So, with that I’ll cry and I’ll grieve for my brother because my brothers’ life means more than he knows it, and I’ll cherish every memory and every moment that our energies collided and created that particular stamp in time. That’s not just for Gavin, but for most people I have known and share a brotherhood with. That’s real talk. I love hard. I love you when you don’t love yourself. That’s just how I’m built. I have the heart of a lion and I love unconditionally, and it’s deep rooted. Where did I come from? Why did you create me like this God? Why don’t I know how to hate? Why don’t I know how not to care about people? Why have I not been given a heart of stone like most people? It would be so easier not to feel than to love unconditionally. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. My heart is heavy right now, but I know all things work together for good. I don’t question God on these things I just trust Him to be the sustainer of my heart, because He knows that it’s fragile. Gavin, you didn’t have to go. Come back man, we miss you. That’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.