Category: Journal

I started this new venture today. It came as an idea last Thursday. I think the visuals I have created are pretty cool, so I got the idea that maybe I should design some clothing. Well, I did it. I prayed about it and it was confirmed. I don’t know if it will be profitable, but I’m excited about it. I want the products to be inspirational and to have mystery messages in them. I don’t know where I come up with these concepts, but I want to make sure they are God driven. Anyway, I was taking too much time starting up and developing the website and it was like God said “Hey! Chill out. Don’t exalt this little thing over me.” So, I had to put it down for the time being and meditate. I don’t want to end up trying to do too much. I have pretty good prospects on a good position that fell into my lap. I hope all goes well, but even if it doesn’t fall through I’ll praise Him. I’m in a good spot I feel. I have to stay focused on recovery too and not forget I’m not vulnerable to mess. How do I find the balance. I almost didn’t even write on this blog tonight because I feel like I have been doing a lot with the online store. I’m getting my feet wet with a lot of things. Ever since I’ve left rehab I’ve been a poet, journalist, photographer, producer, musician, and now designer. That is crazy! I haven’t made and money yet. However, that’s okay. I used to tell the guys in rehab I’m trying to build an empire once I get out of here and it seems like I’m in the beginning stages. I hope God blesses it and shows me favor. I know He will. I’m Mr.Justin1911 on Facebook and Justified1911 on Instagram if anyone bothers reading about my journey in recovery. That’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.

Dear younger me,

I almost cry when I see the innocence in your eyes. All the life in that little vesel. I can see the curiosuity in your eyes of what life has to offer. I still remember when you took that picture. This is a little too much information, but you had just taken a mean shadooby (#2) and you just needed to sit down for a second and daddy came in and surprised you and snapped that picture. You was on the brown couch with this huge 1980s wicker fans hanging on the wall, and that awful red carpet. It was a Sunday. You’re favorite dog out of all the ones you’ll ever have, T.C., was still alive and you were playing with him before you were rudely interrupted by your bowels. I wish I was there with you right now to, so that I could stop the molestation that you thought was normal. Yeah, I have to expose the secret that you told your cousin you’d never tell. I’m sorry. It’s for the best now, because that secret has brought all kind drama in your life. It’s okay though. I’m going to straighten it out for you with God’s help. I’m glad after more than thirty years I’ve never forgotten you. I’ve somehow kept you guarded. I’ve held on to you, and I’ve taken the beating from life but I protected the love you have. I don’t know where it comes from, but you don’t have the ability to hate. I thank you for that because you passed that along to me. Such a pure heart. Oh yea, you remember that friend you made in the backseat of that grey Oldmobile your parents drove? That friend named Jesus? Well, turns out he’s the best friend you could have ever made. He’s been by your side all these years. It amazes me that at such a young age you secured such a profound relationship. You’ve always trusted in Him. You’ve lived a blessed life. So much that you actually wanted to experience some perils. You actually asked for the perils just to see how good of a friend Jesus was, is and will be. Well, I’ll tell you one thing he has proved himself. In fact, He’s the one who has guarded your heart. I think he’s the reason you’ll never know what it is to truly hate because you have this uncanny ability to love everyone from the depth of your soul. I’ll tell you it hurts sometimes to love so hard, because the world is full of hateful, mean people. Sorry, I messed up and tried to teach you how to numb the sadness and only made things worse. But Jesus. Well, if i had to do it all again I wouldn’t change a thing. I hope you’re proud of me. I’ve remembered you all of these years and you still live in me. I am you are me. Love you buddy.

Love,

Older You

I don’t know what’s going on in the world, or at least in America. There’s like a sense of urgency and confusion throughout the atmosphere. It feels like a thousand smoke screens. I’m tired of the black man witch hunts going on. First we keep hearing about R. Kelly and his shenanigans, and it’s like they’re out to ruin his legacy. I’m not excusing what he’s done, but isn’t that Hollywood? It’s not like he’s the first guy with proclivities. They’re going hard on him, but they don’t go hard on other moguls in Hollywood who do the same thing. It’s like you’ll hear a story about one of the other famous perverts and it dies down quickly, but if they’re black it’s a long drawn out vilifying scenario. I’m just speaking facts. Then, you have Jussie Smollett. I personally like the kid, and a lot of it has to do with his name is Justin 😉. Anyhow, people mess up sometimes. We need to forgive. What’s being alleged of him is not villain worthy if you ask me. If he did it, yeah that was a messed up move, but didn’t Ryan Lochte, or however you spell his name, do the same thing? Didn’t that white lady who accused Emmitt Till lie, and got that boy killed? It’s a bad move. If he’s guilty, he just got caught in a lie. The sensationalism behind it all is more damaging than anything if it’s going to have some effect on hate crime protocol. People get arrested for false police reports every day. It’s not as severe as it’s being made out to be. People in Hollywood do strange things. Remember, all press is good press. Jussie will be alright though. I just think the coverage has gotten way out of hand. There are other things more at stake than that incident. Then, there’s Michael Jackson. I just find this hard to believe. Trying to sabotage his legacy is irritating in itself. It probably has to do with the fact that he owned the Beatles catalog and Sony is upset with that since I hear he owned half of Sony. Just like Bill Cosby trying to buy NBC and then his legacy gets tarnished. All of this is hearsay, but as American history has shown it seems a subliminal message is at stake which is black people stay in your lane or else. We can have some power, but not too much power or else the sabotage begins. We’re living in strange times. What is God trying to tell us? I know I pray for his mercy on the saints, because the nation will suffer consequences for injustices upon humanity. Do people think God is pleased with our fighting and debauchery? Pretty soon we’ll have EF6 tornadoes ravaging our country bigger than any we’ve ever seen. Then people will start crying out to God. It’s funny how disaster strikes and people are quick to say “How can God let something like this happen?” It’s called judgment. The earth is crying out because of sin. The blood of babies are contaminating our waters, and the blood of the innocent is crying out to God like Abel’s blood after he was murdered by Cain. I guess I have a heavy heart today. I hope I didn’t offend. Please forgive if I did, that is not my intention. Well, I’ve said enough. Thanks for letting me share.

Today was pretty eventful. I had to go to the DMV and get another license, because last night I found out that they were suspended. Last night, I ended up being pulled over for not turning my signal on. I would argue that I was in the lane specifically for left turns and that getting pulled over was pretty, but instead I’ll just put my signal on at every turn from now on. Anyhow, the cop came over and it felt good not to be paranoid or on the defense for once. My license were suspended due to me not turning in my tags. See, when I went to rehab my insurance expired, got cancelled and once the state knows your insurance is cancelled you have to turn in your tags. Since my car is messed up, there was no need to reinstate my insurance anyway. However, they sent a notice in January telling me that I need to resolve the issue or on February 25th my license would be suspended. Well, that’s what happened. I’m so happy I have peace because I would’ve lost my mind over the whole ordeal. Or used the whole ordeal as an excuse to go get lit. Well, I just went ahead and took care of business today and got my license back. It’s a $400 charge so I had to get on a payment plan. Now, I have to go to court on the 20th to show the officer I have my license back so that he’ll drop the $647 ticket he gave me. I’ll trust God. My reaction to the whole thing was what I’m most proud of, and the peace that surpasses all understanding was with me. It’s amazing how putting God first can change your life. I could’ve been in jail because people get arrested every day for driving under suspension. I wonder how many of them are unaware that their license is suspended just like I was. However, God’s grace and mercy is what sustained me. No doubt about it. I didn’t get upset, I didn’t get out of character. Also, my cousin from NY just happened to be down here and I was riding with her. So, she was able to take over the driver’s seat after the cop looked at her license. I still have to pay the rest of that $400 fine. God help me with that. Well, I’m ecstatic and I’m not complaining. It’s in the court of Jesus. Thanks for letting me share.

It’s the little things in life that makes the experience worth while. I just came to the conclusion that I love me some grape kool-aid. As minuscule as it sounds, this purple refreshing drink, when it has the correct amount of sugar applied, puts me in a place of content. When the tension is about to reach the point of no return all I have to do is think about grape Kool-Aid, and I realize most of the things that I feel I’m about to lose my mind about aren’t that serious. Don’t you hate it when other people infringe on your sanity telling about stuff you “should” be worried about? I shouldn’t have posed that as a question, because I hate when someone asks me a question expecting me to agree with them. In fact in the last two sentences I used the word “hate.” I’m trying to get that word out of my vocabulary, because I feel like Grouchy Smurf using the word hate. Grape Kool-Aid. I hope this makes sense. My mind goes off on tangents and I can only hope that it reads as cohesive as it is in my mind. Anyway, grape Kool-Aid. Try it sometime. Two packs and 2.5 cups of sugar makes a perfect gallon. That’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.

I had the chance today to hang out with my older cousin. He’s around my parents’ age, but I went to help him move a couch. He’s a very spiritual guy. Not religious, but spiritual. Nobody has time for the Pharisees. Anyway, we talked and he told me he was “out there” with the spiritual thing, and I told him I am too. So, it was a comfortable situation where we could talk and not wonder if the other was thinking we were crazy. It felt awesome, because I can’t talk to everyone about spirituality. Most people claim to believe in God, but when it comes down to it they’re reluctant to believe in spiritual things. They can’t grasp the fact that words and thoughts manifest into the physical realm, but they begin in the spiritual realm. Therefore, it is important to be careful what you say and to guard your thoughts. How many times has the thing you feared the most come upon you? I know for me, everything I have feared has come upon me and it all began with my mindset. My thoughts. The good thing about that is now that I have made it through what I feared the most I am fearless. I’m the one that’ll take a risk, and the reason being is because I know God will bring me through anything and everything. He brought me through what I feared most, and it has led to unwavering faith. I won’t sit up here and say that I don’t get anxious, but that’s just natural because I’m impatient. I often used to wonder when I was in active addiction why my family would worry. In my mind I already had the mindset that God is going to bring me through this. It was just a test. I KNEW he was going to bring me through. I’m not saying I’m out of the water, but I know I’m not going out like that. You feel me? Nevertheless, I found it quite comforting that I could have a real conversation about spirituality with someone who walks the walk. It’s powerful stuff. Most people don’t know that life and death lies in the power of the tongue. They say it, but they don’t really believe it. So, if you’re depressed try saying “Die depression. Get away from me” and see what happens. Just saying. I’m preaching to myself also. MULTI MILLIONS OF DOLLARS COME TO ME NOW 😉. That’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.

The darkness the enemy uses to keep you from perceiving what is truth. You can’t cast out strongholds, you can only pull them down. It’s hard for me to recognize what strongholds are in my life. Some have been easy to recognize, others I’m still trying to identify. Strongholds are the things that cause arguments. Strongholds are the things offenses are made of. Strongholds skew your perception of things. For example, someone may get offended at someone’s tardiness and having to wait on them. Their perception may be that “They need to respect people’s time and not be late” when the truth of the matter is that person needs to practice patience. Does that make sense? That’s how I see it at least. Kind of like those dreadful defects. I’m still working Step 6. 3 a day, right? I’ll be honest, I’ve been slacking in doing 3 a day. However, progress not perfection. That’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.

Don’t ask about the visual. I was trying to think of a concept for “I Could’ve Been” and that was one of the pictures. Anyhow, I came up with two different melodies today. That’s about all the excitement I had today. I need to start putting pen to paper again. This is going to be a short one, because I just woke up from dozing off by accident and now it’s after midnight. If I don’t get back to sleep soon I’ll be up until 5am. My sleep pattern is all jacked up. I need to read a little bit. Thanks for letting me share.

No one except people I know probably get the whole “Son of Art” concept. Well, my daddy’s name is Art. I also have a creative bone that expresses itself artistically, and that makes me the son of art in a sense. It’s corny, but it’s also genius. Anyway, I wish it would stop raining already. It’s been like this for about two weeks it seem like. I went to church today. I didn’t go to the meeting I had intended on going to because it was so rainy and dreary all I wanted to do was eat and sleep. Thank God for that. Thank God I wasn’t outside at some gas pump in the rain, standing there for hours not knowing if I had pumped gas or not because I was so high. Yeah, it was like that sometimes. So LIT and looking stupid. I ain’t gotta live like that no mo. Tomorrow begins a new week. I’m waiting to see what God has in store. I hope it’s something. He guides me into my destiny and all these flowers bloom, and all these angels come down and give me a crown of pure gold and diamonds and let me know how proud He is that I’m sober. Just being facetious. No, it doesn’t work like that. I need to put another poem up here, but I haven’t received what the visual should be. I read today that poetry is typically the vehicle for prophetic oracles. That made me think and take my poetry more seriously. I have to write it on here like I did when I first wrote it down with pencil. I can’t be changing words to be more acceptable. After all, they’re not my words. I don’t write poetry. God HAD to have put that those words in my heart to write down. It’s crazy how it all started when I was just playing with one of my rehab bros, saying I was going to write 16 bars for my graduation speech. That turned out to really happen. It was a poem to me, but of course I’m black and have rhythm so I read the poem with a little beat in my head and it came out like a rap. I prophesied to rehab bro and it came to pass. Lol. Crazy. Well, that’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.

I want to be free like the bald eagle I have tattooed on my arm. I want to be free of worries, free of time, free of desires, free of what I’m supposed to be, free from me. Well, if the Son has set me free, I am free indeed. So, I guess I am free of all the above. Look at me being dramatic. I went to a new meeting today. I think I liked that meeting a little more, because it wasn’t as ratchet and raw as the one’s I’m used to. There was a lot more experience in recovery in there. Not just depressed people glad about being clean for 90 days. They added substance to the conversation. They have been clean for like 15+ years. I don’t know why it’s hard for me to believe that someone can be clean that long. As soon as someone is like “I’ve been clean for blah blah years” I hate to admit it but my first thought is “Yea right.” Why am I like that? What character defect is that? I guess it’s my inability to trust all the way. Also, I may be like “Yea right” because I don’t want to worship them for being clean. I find that addicts seem to worship people with long clean time, and I’m just not that dude. I’m not worshipping anything but Jesus. It’s a commendable act, but I’m not into all the praise and worship of someone’s clean time. It’s what you’re supposed to do anyway. That’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.

This is going to be a short one. Today was boring. Uneventful. I don’t mind it though. I’ve had enough action in my life in the past 3-4 years that I celebrate boredom. I didn’t do much devotion today. Mainly, just slept. I’m planning on going to a meeting in the morning. My mentor gave me a little push to go to other meetings and get out of my comfort zone. I guess it is good to meet new people. That’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.

Today has been great. I thank God for what he does and what he’s about to do. Sometimes I wish he would hurry up, but that’s me and my impatience. I have this piece of poetry I want to put up…well, I’m going to put up and I’m worried about the reception of it. Look at me, acting like I have thousands of people reading my blog. Anyway, it’s called “Demonic.” I created the visual the other day, and it’s pretty out there. My bro told me tonight at bible study that my visuals scare him sometimes and make him worried. It’s just to grad people’s attention. The words are to keep people’s attention. It’s a method to my madness, and I kind of intrigue myself. Look at that pride. God take the pride from me. Anyway, I have my keyboard working now so I can create melodies since I want to create songs out of all this poetry. That was my intention from the beginning, but since I had no music I just created the lyrics with the poetry. Now, I’m depending on God for the melody because I don’t know the first thing about creating music. I just know if it sounds right. Feel me? I just want to have at least a sample of how each poem/song should sound so whenever I get the chance to get with some real musicians we can finish the magic. I used to tell the guys in rehab “I’ve written a whole album.” I never knew I would be really doing that. Well, I’m still worried about my buddy, but I’m not going to do that anymore. I know the power addiction can have over the people who love you. First hand experience. I was that guy a few months ago. My story is somewhat different from other addicts, but the same at the same time. I’m ready for this restoration that God is doing in my life. I just hope I don’t F it up. Well, that’s all I have for right now. I feel like I’m being very guarded in this entry though. Like I’m being sensitized. I don’t want to talk about the fact that I’m worried about making the right move and hearing from God. Does He want me to keep pursuing this writing venture 100%? What kind of job should I be looking for? How is my car going to get fixed? How can I look for a job with a broke car? How do I reinstate my insurance, and will I have to pay a fine to the state? Should I just turn my tags in and when my car is up and running redo everything? How am I supposed to find a job without a car? These are all the things going through my head. This is where faith is going to have to come in, because I can’t do all this and remain saner. It may not seem that severe to many, but it is to me and God knows what I need and want. He’s a provider. Let me learn to trust You completely. That’s all I got. Thanks for letting me share.

I have so many ideas in my head that I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know if I want to write a book, short stories, a script, or what. I do know that I have poetry and some creative visuals in my head. Well, I think my visuals are pretty creative. It’s like something takes over me and I end up with these strange pictures. Anyway, I’m currently worried about my best friend. He’s trying to get sober, but keeps having setbacks. Last night I received a phone call, and it disturbed me because out of all the drugs to do he chose to do Fentanyl. I was pissed to say the least. Not because he had another setback, but because that’s the drug that’s taking people out left and right. So, worry set in. I already lost a best friend to overdose, and that just riled me all the way up. I wasn’t there to make sure he was ok since he’s always around somebody shady. Then he got upset that I was upset and I haven’t heard from him since. I just have to let go and let God. I’m not really in the position to be trying to save someone, but it’s still frightening given that I have a history of relapse when someone close to me dies. That’s a trigger. All I can do I hope he’s alright. Living this life in recovery is bittersweet, because even though you strive to be on the right path you develop bonds with people and at any given time we all could all of a sudden relapse and die. That’s just the nature of the beast. So, I don’t know whether to keep my guard up too much or not. I don’t want to become accustomed to people overdosing and dying around me so much that my heart turns numb. I’m one of those few corny people who loves everyone and cherishes life period. Whew, I’m glad I got that out. I’ve been worrying all day about that a$$hole. Well, at least I haven’t been romancing using. I sometimes get jealous when people relapse. I don’t know why, but I do. Nevertheless, I’ve learned to take control of my thoughts when it comes to that. Thoughts manifest into reality. Thoughts are more powerful than people think. You can create a storm in your life by just thinking. Thank God for Jesus. Thanks for letting me share.

What is that beside the sun in this visual? Is that an orb? I’m so fascinated with the supernatural, or the spiritual world. I don’t see how anyone could not believe that the physical world is birthed out of the spiritual world. Just the whole concept of “thoughts” period allows us a glimpse into the spiritual world. Then when you get a glimpse of the spiritual world with your own eyes it’s something fascinating. However, we’re taught not to believe anything. That is so weird why we’re taught not to believe anything. I tend to go against the grain. Once you tell me not to believe something I believe it, or at least I’ll look into what I’m told not to believe. Where there’s smoke there’s fire. Anyway, let me stop. Today’s been pretty good. You ever known anybody who is your friend, but you never meet any of their other friends? Then, you wonder who they are at times, because you don’t know the company they keep or they talk smack about their other friends but continue to go around them. I don’t know. I’m the same 360 degrees. Consistent. Most addicts are like what I’ve just described. Why is that? I was never like that. Then the problem comes in when I’m your friend I’m your ride or die, but when you talk smack about one of your other friends they automatically become my nemesis because I’m listening to what you say about them. THEN, when I see my friend with the other friend it confuses me, because I’m sitting here ready to RIP their face off because of all the crap you was talking about them and now you’re buddy buddy? Man, I need new friends. Or none will do. Anyway, I’m just rambling. Thanks for letting me share.

I don’t know why seeking approval is in the back of my mind. I have to keep reminding myself that this is my journey for me, and if God tells me to do it I’m doing it. Point of exclamation. I constantly feel the need to explain why I’ve been through the struggles I’ve been through. The fact of the matter is a course of events have taken place in my life that I didn’t know how to deal with. Then, my outbursts weren’t the best decisions, but I always see the glass half full. It’s usually not the actions that I look to, but the results and the lesson learned from every situation. That allows growth to come in, and it allows me to see how God has worked in my life. This expose’ of recovery is scary for me. This public journal of recovery leaves me vulnerable to judgment and ridicule. It also allows me the chance to reach anyone who may be struggling with the same thing. All I can do is write about my experience, my thoughts, and sometimes an epiphany comes to me. That’s why I chose to create that visual, even though it is pretty gay lol. I didn’t even know what I would be writing about. I took the picture and created it before I started journaling my thoughts on here, and the visual fits perfectly. I’m half naked and vulnerable with three heads. Sums this whole experience up, right? Anyhow, I want to further my creative thoughts and words. Create songs, write scripts, create more visuals. I have all these ideas, but I’m waiting on God to let me know when to proceed. It’s all about Him at the end of the day. Actually, all of the day it’s about Him. I can’t experience Him off others’ merit. We have our own relationship. I am His and He is mine. I have all this poetry collected, and I’m anticipating turning them into songs of worship. I need musicians. Look at me going off on tangents. Anyway, the whole point of it all is no approval is needed from anyone but Him. I don’t know why I wrote about this, but it is what it is. Thanks for letting me share.

I don’t know why I titled this “Today was a good day.” Now I have Ice Cube’s song stuck in my head. Anyway, I took the initiative to go to church on my own. It’s a good thing. I heard what I needed to hear. I came home and seasoned some chicken thighs, and just hung out until it was time to go to the meeting at 8PM. I’m so thankful for uneventful days, because in addiction my days were a mess. Full of confusion. Wasting gas going nowhere at all, and it’s strange how that lunacy still brings a little excitement to me. I’m just being transparent. Something about the thrill of being stupid and chaotic stills draws up a piece of excitement. It goes away quickly though. I guess it’s all to let me know that addiction can sneak in at any point so I have to stay on guard. I put up “Dead Church” a few minutes ago. The title and artwork is meant to throw people off. The message is pretty straightforward. It looks kind of grim, but hey…that’s what being creative is about sometimes. I don’t know why I’m lagging on completing step six. I have 76 character defects and I have to do a lot of writing and I’m just being lazy. It’s going to take me a while. Maybe I should commit to doing three defects a day. I know om impatient and will try doing 30 a day and end up half a**ing it. So, I’ll take my time. No rush. It’s not like I have a due date. Well, this is a short one. I didn’t feel like writing this entry, but I made the commitment to document this recovery errr’day. So…thats all I got. Thanks for letting me share.

I have an awesome family. I don’t think they understand the whole recovery process though. I’m pretty sure they don’t understand me. I’m the most simple, complex individual. There’s a lack of communication that goes on. I just had a talk with my mom and she had no idea of some of the stuff I went through to get me to the point of trying to numb life in general until this blog. I don’t really think my extended family knows either. They just know I’ve in and out of rehab for the past two years. I don’t know how to feel about it. It’s like everybody knows but I have yet to have a conversation with anyone about it. I’m so open to talk about my side, my experience, because if someone is getting a story and it’s not from me then it’s not the whole truth. That’s a perfect recipe for judgment. Or, should I even be worried about it? I don’t know. Part of me wants to wave my hands and shout, “Wait, you don’t know the whole story!” The other part of me says, “To hell with it. I don’t have to explain myself to anybody.” It is what it is. I just don’t want to have to go through the whole sympathy thing, or even the whole “we’re mad because you did drugs and are in recovery.” I don’t really think anyone knows how to treat the situation. So, it’s going to be awkward. Maybe I just need to distance myself. That’s all too much drama, and I like things that aren’t so complicated. I was thinking about who I need to make amends with and it’s really only a few people. I distanced myself from family when I was using because I didn’t want anyone to see me in the position it was in. So much more is expected out of me. It’s strange how the dynamics have shifted. My mom didn’t want to have anything to do with me when I was on one, but now she’s sees me sober and is like “Whew, my son is back” and I’m slowly getting in her good grace. Whereas, my daddy acts like he wants me to just leave recovery alone and stay away from the rehab facility, but he was my only supporter while I was there. God put me there for a reason, and he fails to understand that. I look to God for everything now, and I have my own relationship with him. It just frustrates me sometimes trying to please everybody. Nevertheless, that’s what I am. A people pleaser. All you have to do is get upset with me and I’ll buckle. Damn these character defects. I have to be done with people pleasing. Look where it’s gotten me. Right? I don’t know what or how my brother feels, because he acts so mean and hateful and frowns up everytime somebody says anything to him. Well, me at least. So, I avoid as much contact as possible, because I’m a little sensitive and I get butt hurt at his snarl. It’s see you when I see you with my sister and me. We’re pretty open and vocal with each other. I love my nieces and nephews and I regret missing out on their growth. That’s who I really need to make amends to. Two of them saved my life and they don’t even know it. I was in the darkest area I had ever been in my life and I was going to end it all, and the only reason I didn’t is because my niece and nephew who were living in Virginia at the time were coming down for the summer so I had to get out of myself and they breathed life back into me. Ever since then I have always trusted that God would bring me out of any situation once I passed that point. Even with me using, I’ve always known God would bring me through and that has always been my mindset. So, I would get startled when the family would stress out because they were thinking I was going to kill myself partying. My mindset was “I know it’s bad, but this too shall pass.” I always saw the light at the end of the tunnel, and I owe that to Obie and Leah. I’m just excited too see how God is going to work in my life. It’s not for anyone else either. I can’t keep explaining why I’m led to do some of the things that I’m choosing to do. I can’t let anyone else influence decisions that I’ve prayed about and meditated on, because they don’t get it. Sometimes it’s not for others to get what God’s will for your life is. I don’t have time to go down a wrong path based on someone else’s emotions. I went to Faith Home’s faith based recovery and you hear a lot about people who go out and relapse and die and I put things into perspective. I believe some people came there for rehab because it was God’s will for them to receive salvation because He knew that when they relapsed again they were going to die. It’s all about perspective. Anyway, I’m just rambling. This is my sharing portion of the day since I didn’t go to a meeting. Thanks for letting me share.

I feel like I need to explain how I got to this place in my life. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me. I wasn’t supposed to lose everything. I went by the book. I went to excelled in school, graduated college, got the job, got the stocks, but I was never felt fulfilled. I didn’t know how to pursue my dreams. I had the dreams, but had no idea of what avenue to take to get to my destination. Then, when I would sit back and ponder on it I would get depressed that I was not being creative in my jobs. I was sitting there working a 9-5 like regular people and I’m so not regular. So, I would start numbing the disappointment. Oh yea, I BEEEEN an addict since I was like 16. Almost everybody is an addict, they just can function. I was a functioning addict for about 19 years until I shot up METH (Main Entrance To Hell) and….”Houston we have a problem” that’s the only way to describe it. How did I get on meth? That’s a white people’s drug, right? Yes, there are few black people who shoot math and I did it. It all started when by best cousin/best friend/brother ended up getting sent away to do a 12 year bid. We spent every moment in life together, and all of a sudden he was gone. I took that as a lose. I didn’t know how to cope. The worst part about it is that I isolated. I became the worst friend ever. I treated it like he had passed away. I haven’t wrote, I haven’t visited, I pulled away from his family/my family. I have to make amends. Anyhow, I’ve had never dealt with loss that close. So, I spiraled. I had to numb it. The pills that I got from my boss at work wasn’t enough. The liquor wasn’t enough. The marijuana wasn’t enough. Here I was being the worst friend in the world, my buddy’s gone, I didn’t know how to handle those emotions. So, I started partying more and being promiscuous. Long story short, I was asked to go out and find some pills. Opioids/opiates fyi. I don’t really like opiates, but I was doing it for a friend. Well, I’m a little bit of a square guy, I’m not street at all. So, I went on the internet and found some random to get these pills from. Yes I really did that. Well, me and this individual started hanging out and that’s how I got introduced to meth, and the reality of harsh streets. I was all up in the trap in business casual attire and a Acura. All up in them dope houses. I hated being over there, but drug deals always take so long so I would sit there and have to wait and that’s how meth crept in. Then I finally agreed to let someone shoot me up and it was over. I knew it was sin. I told myself at that exact moment if I ever injected anybody in my life I would go to hell because it felt like sin in my body. Well, me and my dealer became good friends, I guess he was a substitute for my best friend who was locked up. He ended overdosing on me and dying while I tried to give him CPR. Talk about PTSD. Especially when I told him I was going to make him stay up all night so he won’t die on me. He had taken 100mg of methadone and xanax. I dozed off and he died. NUMB, I needed that syringe. So, let me wrap this up by saying the loss of people close to me triggered this spiral. Not making excuses, because the issues go deeper. These events were just the catalyst.

My new name should be Thorn. I’ve been teasing this concept on my Facebook, and I don’t know why I automatically think people know what’s going on in my head. Anyway, while I was rehabbing I wrote this piece called “Thorns” and it’s about the crown on thorns on Jesus’s head and how significant they are. Well, that has turned into the theme of my whole journey. I’ve used the thorn reference a lot in my poetry which are centered around God, because He is my recovery. This thorn of addiction is finally budding roses. I’m a little apprehensive about sharing my thoughts, but at the same time I’m sure it’ll be therapeutic since I’ll have a place to vent. A lot of things go through my mind and no one knows, and then I’ll end up doing something so off the wall and sporadically and then everybody’s looking at me like “What the hell?” For instance, I all of a sudden started posting these pictures of myself with messages like “My Secret Enemy” and “Thorns”, but only a few know that I was teasing the poems I wrote in rehab. Or, maybe no one knew because I actually wanted the photos to be their own separate work of art. Hence, I have a literary work and a visual that are two separate works of art but one at the same time. Make sense? Anyway, I’m a little excited about what’s next. I have to be creative now in this phase of life. Creative with my words, creative with my images, creative and innovative. I’m finally aligning up with God’s will, because my will leads to my final will and testimony. (I hope that didn’t go over any heads).

As far as recovery is going, I’m here for it. I have to tools. I BEEN had the tools when I graduated from the first rehab, I just kind of left God out the equation and He was like “Oh you think you can do this without me? Let’s see how that works” and nine months later I’m looking stupid in rehab number two. Good thing I was looking stupid with about 60 other addicts. I’m praying like crazy and keeping the books close. I’m attending meetings and the best thing I’m doing is writing again. I’ve had writer’s block for the past ten years. It’s my passion, and when it seems like you’ve lost your passion you, well speaking for myself, I felt like I lost my reason to be here. That in itself can lead to destructive behavior. Broken dreams and losing focus can be elements to vicious cycles. See, I never really thought about that, but now since I’m writing it comes out. Perhaps, just perhaps, or maybe intentionally because he’s INTENTIONAL right? (Sup Travis Greene) Maybe God gave me writer’s block and introduced EXPERIENCE to me so that I would have something to write about. That Jesus…he’s an amazing guy. If you don’t know Him, I’ll be glad to introduce you. Til we meet again. Signing off.